Start a Blog and Get a Dog (AKA How To Navigate an Identity Crisis During a Pandemic)
I had my first child at 21 and then earned two bonus children when I married my husband at 27. I'm 45 now. I officially became an empty nester August 2020 at the age of 44. I spent 23 years of my life being a mom....half my life... a little more than half, actually.
My entire adult identity has been wrapped up in being a mom, a wife, and a full time employee. There hasn't been a whole lot of time left to figure out what I like, much less do any of those things. Let me tell you, it is not fun to start a full-fledged identity crisis at the age of 44 and during a pandemic no less.
No one really talks about how difficult it is when kids start leaving home. We get to ease into most phases of our children's lives but there is no slow transition when they leave for good. One day they are sleeping in their beds in your home and the next day, they aren't. Sure, they may come back to visit but it's not the same. They don't need "momming" anymore...at least not in the same way.
For those who have based their entire identity on taking care of tiny humans, this stage feels devastating. Profound sadness that these people no longer need you and profound pride that these people no longer need you! You've done your job and they are thriving on their own.
"A mother's job is to teach her children not to need her anymore. The hardest part of that job is accepting success."
This next part is a little sad but I promise, it gets happier... not only did all my kids leave home within a 4 year timeframe, my last bird left the nest in 2020 and moved out of state, mid-pandemic. Five months later, I lost my cat. I adopted him when he was 4 weeks old and he was 17 1/2 when he passed so it was a significant loss. As one who truly needs to nurture something (or someone) I honestly felt these losses at my core. I no longer had a purpose.
So now what? Step 1: Go through a complete identity crisis because that sounds like fun, right? Nope, it's not fun. It was scary as hell...until I realized that I was the only one stopping myself from being happy .
My first mistake was being so focused on my sadness and freaking out because I had no idea what to do with myself that I failed to realize I have this new freedom that I have never had before. Never in my life up until now....the freedom to try out a lot of new things. The first on the list: therapy. I have no shame in talking about therapy, especially when navigating this uncharted territory. Through therapy, I was able to sort through some things that I really should have addressed a very long time ago...the details may be a post for another day.
The work in therapy culminated in the realization that I've been taking care of others my entire adult life and part of my childhood. It's no wonder I have no sense of self or purpose! I don't even know who I am anymore.
"She's caught between who she was and who she wants to be."
Like magic, I started to uncover so many things that I had forgotten I liked, some so simple and even silly.
Old movies. Especially from 30s-60's with emphasis on Alfred Hitchcock. I started watching old movies again. Lots of them.
Yacht rock. Yes, it's a thing...think Little River Band, Christopher Cross, Steely Dan, etc. and this will end up as a playlist at some point.
ART! I forgot about art. I took art classes throughout middle school and high school but once I had my first kid, I abandoned it completely. That same kid discovered that he is quite the artist and I poured myself in to helping him foster his own passion, rather than remembering my own love of art...because that's what moms do. I have zero regrets about this.
Navigating a pandemic AND a mid-life crisis has been both a blessing and a curse. The curse for obvious reasons but a blessing because there are so many more resources available for learning new hobbies. Bonus blessing: lots of options to pursue without leaving home. I mean, tons of free and paid options. I started dabbling in graphic design and absolutely love it. I recently designed invitations for my sister's wedding and have created several planner inserts...not to mention a good number of the graphics for this blog.
"Good news: I found my sanity! It was lying right next to my mid-life crisis."
I also started drawing and painting again with my main focus being on watercolor. I have always loved watercolor but never spent a lot of time focusing solely on one medium. I have followed several online tutorials and I am absolutely in LOVE! The best part: I can work on both design and painting while Hitchcock movies are playing in the background...my ultimate happy place.
The latest step in my journey of rediscovery happened in September 2021, 10 months after losing my sweet cat. I did the only logical thing a person does when they have a need to nurture but can't keep plants alive and are done raising children. I adopted a dog from a local rescue. Her name is Guinevere (AKA Guinn) I spoil her and post an embarrassing number of photos of her on my social media accounts. She pulled me out of a very low spot in my life and I am so grateful. She was on death row prior to being rescued and adopted so I guess we kind of saved each other.
Parents, especially moms, listen up: Do not wait until your kids are grown to figure out who you are. This especially applies to parents who have kids at a young age. Make time for your hobbies and continue to indulge in the things you enjoy. Stay in touch with who you are, nurture yourself as well as your children.
Oddly enough, all of this has led to the creation of this blog because I know from experience, parenting is hard. Juggling work, home, family and life are hard. Trying to find the time and energy to do it all is so, so hard. If I can share a recipe, meal plan, planner page, helpful tip, workout playlist, or anything else I've discovered or learned that may save you time, by all means, I will. And I want you to use it and enjoy it and let it save you time so you can continue to focus on yourself and your hobbies and hopefully enjoy your transition into empty nest status when the time comes.
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